My hairy legs

My first act of defiance against gender norms was to throw away my razor. Well, I did continue to shave my pits for awhile, because I just couldn't wrap my head around not doing that, but even that went away. Baby steps.

The problem with hairy legs is the lack of acceptance among the mainstream public, or at least my perceived version of them. The irony is that if I were younger, it might be seen as a quirk, but because I'm older, it's just gross, right? What would you do if you encountered me at the gym, or walking along the mall in shorts, with my hairy legs on display?

About that gym. My gym has a great pool, and I want so much to take advantage of it. There are many awkward things about the gym all of a sudden. First, I don't intend to dress in a women's suit. I was thinking of men's swim trunks and a tank. The boobs can be addressed with a lightweight chest binder under the tank (now compare that to someone born male who can just throw on the trunks and hop in the pool). That's all well and good until you consider I can't drive home in a wet suit. I'll be in the women's locker room, changing (tugging off that chest binder) and showing off the leg and pit hair. The stares I'll get (unless I go at a really quiet time).

Have you ever had to put this much thought into going for a swim? Or changing out at the gym? Suddenly it's a problem for me, and I'm paying for a gym membership I'm not using. I figure once I'm on hormones for awhile, once I've gotten the boobs removed (which is still a long way off, because I have to be on hormones for a year first), and once I look more male, I will be able to have the privilege of using the men's changing room (also not a great option) and wearing just the trunks. That will take some getting used to.

I haven't come out to my healthcare providers yet, but I was in the ER last night to get fluids and get checked out for a severe bout of gastrointestinal problems. There were my hairy legs. When I had surgery a few weeks ago for a broken and dislocated finger, the nurse took a beat when she pulled back the covers to put the squeeze bags on my legs to prevent DVT. To her credit, that hesitation was all that happened. I imagine, though, as medical personnel tend to do, she shared the story later.

In a few weeks, I have an appointment with my gynecologist who once told me that if certain functions didn't improve after my pelvic mesh surgery, "Prayer helps." A doctor who would say that might not take kindly to having a trans guy as a patient. It will be weird enough to have to see a gynecologist for certain healthcare needs, but I'm sure he and his nurse will be impressed by my very hairy legs. The thing is, I need to have my ovaries taken out so that any estrogen still leaking into my body will stop, but I'm not sure he will do it. I might end up at Chase-Brexton in Baltimore for that, though, since they have a major LGBT clinic that takes care of our needs. I just don't know yet.

If it were just the hairy legs, you know, it would be a lifestyle choice. I remember a Puerto Rican girl I worked with in the 80s. She said she never shaved anything. "My husband likes my hairy legs!" she proclaimed. In a world full of bikini waxes, full Brazilians, and aestheticians who will take it all off for you, hairy legs are a major deal!

But it's more than that. It's my only outward sign (other than the men's haircut) that says, "I'm not doing this girl thing anymore. I'm not conforming to the gender I was assigned at birth."

Can you tell I'm a person who overthinks everything? So much change. Yes, the outcome will be worth it, but I'm not young anymore and I don't like change, necessarily. But I can't live like this anymore. The thought of finally looking on the outside the way I feel on the inside makes it worth it. And when I think that way, the black cloud stays away. Gender dysphoria. That's for another post (or maybe several).

Don't even get me started on bathrooms. If you haven't watched this TED talk, please do. All anybody needs when nature calls is a safe place to pee. Peace, Jude.