It's a beautiful day in Maryland. The temperature is a just right 59 degrees with low humidity. The sun is kissing the trees, and I've just pounded my way through rocky soil in the flowerbed to put in some bright yellow Asiatic lilies and Monrovia lavender. A bagful of weeds is out of the way and tossed. Were it later in the day, it would be time for a cold one!
While working in the yard, I thought about some of the things I have to look forward to in my new life. Here are a couple of them.
I look forward to being more physical...
Getting physical with the outdoors is something I haven't done in quite a while. I do it when the mood strikes me and when I'm feeling up to it. Even though I had a wraparound headache this morning, I pushed through because I needed to be out there in that beautiful morning air. I needed it in the way the body needs nourishment. My soul needed it.
Some people tell me that on testosterone you feel more physicality, and a need to be out there doing something. Those of us who have been bathed in estrogen since puberty might not have as much strength and endurance as those bathed in testosterone. (I say "might not" because I know plenty of very strong women!) I used to feel the need to be working in physical jobs (construction, hardware store) before I had children, because it felt so good to know I could lift a 50-lb bag of fertilizer for a customer. It felt good to know I could hang drywall with the best of them. Lifting weights was fun for me.
Along the way, I have had injuries and illnesses that have changed my path. My life is more sedentary, with at least 8 hours a day spent working at a desk. My dog and I get out for a couple of walks a day, which is great when it's not raining, and I occasionally do things like yard work, although it's more of a courtyard than the huge yard I had at my old house. It has been irksome, to say the least, to have to slow down and be this sedentary. I want to be out there being physical in the world, and maybe the testosterone will give me the energy to be that person again.
I'm not expecting miracles. After all, T can't fix Chiari malformation. It can't heal a fused neck. Will the weakness I feel some days be less and less? I hope so. It can't fix arthritis, but will I have more strength and endurance? Maybe.
One of my doctors told me I can't do 5Ks anymore because of the arthritis in my knees. I don't run, but I do a 3.4 to 3.6 mph pace. Even that was too much, he said. Yesterday there was a color run in town, and on my way home from an appointment, I saw some tired folks, splattered with colored chalk dust, crossing the road. I was so jealous. I told my son I want to start training to do 5Ks again, knees be damned. I LOVE it.
I look forward to being seen as male...
When I'm at home, I am a man. I dress as a man, but it's more than that. I feel it, deep in my bones. I browse online for trendy men's shoes and clothing. I want to be a stylish man. Some of the first clothing I bought was kind of lumberjack style--flannel shirts over t-shirts over baggy jeans. I bought a nice pair of bowling-style shoes in brown leather, and some briefs for underneath. Now I've got some nice polo shirts and fitted jeans. I look nice when I go out. Beyond jeans, though, I want a couple of nice suits. I want some stylish, button-down shirts, dress shoes, and snazzy ties. I have never been so excited about clothing. What kind of man do I want to be? A stylish man.
There's the little problem of boobs, though. Mine aren't small, and I'm not a small person. I have wide shoulders and fat around the middle. But out of the desire to hide these books, I bought myself a chest binder. I have two problems with it--I'm claustrophobic and I have asthma. What if it's too tight on my chest? I live with my son, so I'm afraid I'll get in the binder (or halfway in) and no be able to get out. (I really don't want my son having to rescue me from a piece of clothing!) I might have to go to Plan B, which is to get a waist binder with a Velcro closure that I can easily put on and take off -- alone! Spending all that money on a binder I might never wear was still worth it. It was a step in the right direction.
I want these boobs gone, but from everything I've heard, I can't have any gender reassignment surgery until I've been on hormones for a year. That seems unfair, but I guess I have to live with it. Once I get through my divorce and cataract surgery, I hope to get an appointment with an endocrinologist who will help me out.
Minus the boobs and plus facial hair, maybe I will finally be seen as male in public.
But all these bathroom bills, yeeez!
Right now I don't feel safe using the men's room because I don't pass well (therein lies the rub! Many gender non-conforming people have no intention of trying to "pass," so where do they pee?) I have yet to start on T. But I get double-takes sometimes going into the women's room. I wish there were just gender-neutral bathrooms everywhere. I would use those.
I look forward to my new life...
...and all of the joys it may bring me. At the very least, it will bring me the feeling that I am in a body that more closely matches how I see myself in my mind. And what won't be great about that?
Peace, Jude
Monday, April 25, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Gender vs. Sexuality
Dear reader,
I've had a lot of questions from folks who want to understand some of the different terminology that goes along with being trans. There are many posts and articles out there that explain it all, but maybe you want to hear it from me!
What you'll learn from this post are that gender and sexuality are completely unrelated.
Merriam-Webster defines gender as (a) sex or (b) the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex. (M-W defines "sex" as the state of being male or female.)
Aha! B is where we get sticky. We have that word "typically". In our society, we have norms and expectations based on what we expect out of a gender. When a person doesn't conform, we throw labels at them. "An effeminate man," a "tomboy," a "mannish woman," and so on. I have a bit of that being thrown at me. I've been referred to as "femme" many, many times. I tried so hard for so many years to conform to the sex (gender) assigned to me at birth that I got a little too good at it. People wondered why I got angry when they repeatedly teased me about being femme. I HATED IT! But I couldn't let go over the disguise.
What this definition doesn't tell us is that there is a biological sex assigned at birth, and there is a gender that is between our ears. What is in our brain trumps what is between our legs - but people seem to be overly concerned with what is between our legs!
I was assigned the female sex at birth. My body has the characteristics of a female. My gender, however, is male. Between my ears, I have always been male. My feelings about myself and how I should fit in the world are male. When I finally acknowledged that and embraced it, my heart grew lighter, and lots of things made sense to me all of a sudden.
It's hard to explain that to someone whose physical sex characteristics match the gender they feel themselves to be in their mind. To put it simply, my outsides have never matched my insides. I feel better when I present myself in male clothing, with a male haircut, doing typically male work. It helps ease the dysphoria I experience.
As for sexuality, M-W describes it as the sexual habits and desires of a person. I think that's pretty accurate, so we'll go with that.
I spent a good part of my life married to a man (and I had my fair share of sexual encounters with men in my youth). I also had sexual encounters with women. I spent the last 20 years fantasizing about, flirting with, and sleeping with women. For a while, I defined myself as strictly lesbian, because I couldn't imagine sleeping with a man again. That was before I came out as trans. Now I don't know who I want. I guess if I had to have a label, I'd have to call myself bisexual. But I'm not even fond of that label, because even that feels like it ties me down.
Do I like men again because I appreciate how they look, because now I can openly identify with them? Do I like them because I'm attracted to them? I don't know. It might just be whatever floats my boat in the moment.
Everyone has their own sexual habits and desires. For some people, like Caitlyn Jenner, they haven't quite figured it out yet. She hasn't decided if she wants to date men or women. I say try both! See what works for you!
Honestly, I feel very sexually fluid right now - or maybe it's not so much fluid as it is a dry riverbed! Going through the breakup of a marriage is hard. It takes so much out of a person. It takes away all that trust that was so hard to give. I'm not feeling generous with my heart or my body right now, although it would be nice to feel sexual again. It was a mostly sexless relationship, and I'm not a sexless person. When my relationship is good, I am a generous lover.
So have I cleared up gender versus sexuality? I hope so. If not - just ask!
Peace, Jude
I've had a lot of questions from folks who want to understand some of the different terminology that goes along with being trans. There are many posts and articles out there that explain it all, but maybe you want to hear it from me!
What you'll learn from this post are that gender and sexuality are completely unrelated.
- You can be male and be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, etc.
- You can be female and claim any of those labels*.
- You can be a trans guy like me and claim any of those labels.
- You can be a trans girl and claim any of those labels.
- Oh, and you can be gender-nonconforming/gender-fluid and claim any of those labels - or none!
Merriam-Webster defines gender as (a) sex or (b) the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex. (M-W defines "sex" as the state of being male or female.)
Aha! B is where we get sticky. We have that word "typically". In our society, we have norms and expectations based on what we expect out of a gender. When a person doesn't conform, we throw labels at them. "An effeminate man," a "tomboy," a "mannish woman," and so on. I have a bit of that being thrown at me. I've been referred to as "femme" many, many times. I tried so hard for so many years to conform to the sex (gender) assigned to me at birth that I got a little too good at it. People wondered why I got angry when they repeatedly teased me about being femme. I HATED IT! But I couldn't let go over the disguise.
What this definition doesn't tell us is that there is a biological sex assigned at birth, and there is a gender that is between our ears. What is in our brain trumps what is between our legs - but people seem to be overly concerned with what is between our legs!
I was assigned the female sex at birth. My body has the characteristics of a female. My gender, however, is male. Between my ears, I have always been male. My feelings about myself and how I should fit in the world are male. When I finally acknowledged that and embraced it, my heart grew lighter, and lots of things made sense to me all of a sudden.
It's hard to explain that to someone whose physical sex characteristics match the gender they feel themselves to be in their mind. To put it simply, my outsides have never matched my insides. I feel better when I present myself in male clothing, with a male haircut, doing typically male work. It helps ease the dysphoria I experience.
As for sexuality, M-W describes it as the sexual habits and desires of a person. I think that's pretty accurate, so we'll go with that.
I spent a good part of my life married to a man (and I had my fair share of sexual encounters with men in my youth). I also had sexual encounters with women. I spent the last 20 years fantasizing about, flirting with, and sleeping with women. For a while, I defined myself as strictly lesbian, because I couldn't imagine sleeping with a man again. That was before I came out as trans. Now I don't know who I want. I guess if I had to have a label, I'd have to call myself bisexual. But I'm not even fond of that label, because even that feels like it ties me down.
Do I like men again because I appreciate how they look, because now I can openly identify with them? Do I like them because I'm attracted to them? I don't know. It might just be whatever floats my boat in the moment.
Everyone has their own sexual habits and desires. For some people, like Caitlyn Jenner, they haven't quite figured it out yet. She hasn't decided if she wants to date men or women. I say try both! See what works for you!
Honestly, I feel very sexually fluid right now - or maybe it's not so much fluid as it is a dry riverbed! Going through the breakup of a marriage is hard. It takes so much out of a person. It takes away all that trust that was so hard to give. I'm not feeling generous with my heart or my body right now, although it would be nice to feel sexual again. It was a mostly sexless relationship, and I'm not a sexless person. When my relationship is good, I am a generous lover.
So have I cleared up gender versus sexuality? I hope so. If not - just ask!
Peace, Jude
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