I've had a lot of questions from folks who want to understand some of the different terminology that goes along with being trans. There are many posts and articles out there that explain it all, but maybe you want to hear it from me!
What you'll learn from this post are that gender and sexuality are completely unrelated.
- You can be male and be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, etc.
- You can be female and claim any of those labels*.
- You can be a trans guy like me and claim any of those labels.
- You can be a trans girl and claim any of those labels.
- Oh, and you can be gender-nonconforming/gender-fluid and claim any of those labels - or none!
Merriam-Webster defines gender as (a) sex or (b) the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex. (M-W defines "sex" as the state of being male or female.)
Aha! B is where we get sticky. We have that word "typically". In our society, we have norms and expectations based on what we expect out of a gender. When a person doesn't conform, we throw labels at them. "An effeminate man," a "tomboy," a "mannish woman," and so on. I have a bit of that being thrown at me. I've been referred to as "femme" many, many times. I tried so hard for so many years to conform to the sex (gender) assigned to me at birth that I got a little too good at it. People wondered why I got angry when they repeatedly teased me about being femme. I HATED IT! But I couldn't let go over the disguise.
What this definition doesn't tell us is that there is a biological sex assigned at birth, and there is a gender that is between our ears. What is in our brain trumps what is between our legs - but people seem to be overly concerned with what is between our legs!
I was assigned the female sex at birth. My body has the characteristics of a female. My gender, however, is male. Between my ears, I have always been male. My feelings about myself and how I should fit in the world are male. When I finally acknowledged that and embraced it, my heart grew lighter, and lots of things made sense to me all of a sudden.
It's hard to explain that to someone whose physical sex characteristics match the gender they feel themselves to be in their mind. To put it simply, my outsides have never matched my insides. I feel better when I present myself in male clothing, with a male haircut, doing typically male work. It helps ease the dysphoria I experience.
As for sexuality, M-W describes it as the sexual habits and desires of a person. I think that's pretty accurate, so we'll go with that.
I spent a good part of my life married to a man (and I had my fair share of sexual encounters with men in my youth). I also had sexual encounters with women. I spent the last 20 years fantasizing about, flirting with, and sleeping with women. For a while, I defined myself as strictly lesbian, because I couldn't imagine sleeping with a man again. That was before I came out as trans. Now I don't know who I want. I guess if I had to have a label, I'd have to call myself bisexual. But I'm not even fond of that label, because even that feels like it ties me down.
Do I like men again because I appreciate how they look, because now I can openly identify with them? Do I like them because I'm attracted to them? I don't know. It might just be whatever floats my boat in the moment.
Everyone has their own sexual habits and desires. For some people, like Caitlyn Jenner, they haven't quite figured it out yet. She hasn't decided if she wants to date men or women. I say try both! See what works for you!
Honestly, I feel very sexually fluid right now - or maybe it's not so much fluid as it is a dry riverbed! Going through the breakup of a marriage is hard. It takes so much out of a person. It takes away all that trust that was so hard to give. I'm not feeling generous with my heart or my body right now, although it would be nice to feel sexual again. It was a mostly sexless relationship, and I'm not a sexless person. When my relationship is good, I am a generous lover.
So have I cleared up gender versus sexuality? I hope so. If not - just ask!
Peace, Jude
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