Even When There are Bigger Fish to Fry

In a perfect world, the only thing that would be happening in my life is this transition, but this isn't a perfect world.

Right now I'm going through a messy divorce, have been really sick, and am worried about my sister, who is getting ready to have a brain tumor removed. I have all these really important things to deal with before taking the bigger steps in my journey. I've even postponed seeing my gender therapist, "A", until I get moved out of my house and get the divorce well on its way. A's fees are high (and she doesn't accept insurance), so I have to work something out with her. When the divorce is final, I'll be back on my own insurance plan and can easily file for reimbursement, but it hasn't been easy in the current situation. For now, I'm seeing my regular therapist, "W", who takes my insurance. She knows me very well, but she doesn't specialize like A does. We're working through all of my feelings of heartbreak and anger over this divorce, and I certainly need to do that. But I also miss talking to A about my plans and how I'm feeling. The gender dysphoria. The fears. The hopes.

Because I've been so sick this week, I'll be back at one of my specialists on Thursday. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of this problem, because lately I'm having trouble tolerating food. I know that stress is a part of it, but even when I'm doing alright, I'm unable to eat much. I need to make an appointment, too, to go to Chase-Brexton in Baltimore to talk to them about whether I'm okay to take T (testosterone). I don't know if any of my health issues will block me from that path. I hope not, but some people in my life have wondered aloud if I'm going to complicate my medical problems further. I need reassurances (and a plan) from an endocrinologist.

As for my sister, I'm catching a flight on the 23rd to go out and be with her during the surgery and a couple of days of her recovery. She's not alone. She and her husband reconciled over the holidays. But she's my sister and I'm worried. She's been a great support for me during my changes. People keep telling me that this is going to be okay and that these kinds of tumors are rarely cancerous, but it's growing quickly. One of the possible outcomes of the surgery is blindness, because of the proximity of the tumor to the optic nerve. Many other possible complications. But it has to come out, because if it stays in, the worst outcomes become more likely. I'm not a praying person, but I might do some of that as she goes into the OR for the (at least) 6 hour procedure.

As I've learned from a couple of my trans friends, our transitions can take time, because we're never just dealing with the transition. Whether it be family issues, grief, job loss, money problems, divorces, or whatever else life throws at us, we're always juggling - just like you - but we have the added pressures of figuring out how to be who we are without losing our jobs, housing, family, community, or lives.

I'm lucky. I have my family and some security. I work for a company that has policies in place to protect me, but that doesn't mean there won't be complications. No one is policing it. (It's the same for trans folks as it was for women when sexual harassment became a visible issue. You have to report it and risk being seen as a "problem" in the workplace.) When I was in the office yesterday, I wondered how the guys would feel when I complete my transition and am heading into the men's room, too. They've known me as a woman since I started at the company in 2004. Certainly they see my external changes, though. I've cut off my hair and am wearing men's clothing. I no longer even attempt to wear makeup, so I get the old, "You look tired" routine, essentially what my mom used to tell me. ("Wear a little lipstick," she'd say. "You need some color!") But as to men's rooms, I think I'll probably just hold it when I can. Lots of trans people learn to hold their bladder until they can get home. I think it will be okay, but these are things I have to think about that some people don't. Not complaining, just pointing it out.

Trans folks are often victims of violent crime. In 2015, 21 transgender people (that we know of) were murdered in the U.S. -- mostly women of color -- more than in any other year. Others who were reported under their gender of birth were not included in the list, because their deaths faded into the general population. We have to be careful.

If you're not trans but want to understand what it feels like to try to deal with coming out and embarking on a transition, do this. Just close your eyes for a minute and imagine all those things that are happening in your life, all that busyness that you're dealing with, and all those cares. Now, with yourself in that busy place, imagine that your body doesn't fit. Imagine that you're wearing a person suit that shows people an image of you that isn't real. If you're a cis-female (someone who was born female and identifies as female), imagine that you're suddenly a male on the outside. You have to use men's rooms and wear men's clothing and go through your life acting like a man - but it doesn't fit, does it? Imagine that in order to appear as the woman you know yourself to be, you have to start taking hormone supplements, getting electrolysis (in sometimes painful places), seeing doctors, explaining why you're dressing differently/growing out your hair/wearing makeup - over and over and over... Not easy, eh? Sound like a lot of fun? No! But it's necessary, because that feeling of being in the wrong body - the wrong life! - sometimes is so overwhelming that you just want the pain of it to stop. 

Because, you see, even when there are really big fish to fry in your life, you still go around feeling awkward in your body. I used to be able to stuff that feeling down, but these days, my male energy is screaming to be acknowledged. I want to be who I really am before I leave this earth. So I'm juggling. And, you know, maybe that's why my stomach hurts. But I'm going to be alright. I'm taking it a step at a time. It might feel slow to anyone watching from the outside, but it is like going through puberty; it doesn't happen overnight. The result will be so worth it!

Thank you for reading, Jude.