Something has really been bothering me lately, and it all started with our local Transgender Day of Remembrance celebration (November 20, every year). I was technically part of the planning committee, but I had a very rough time the last few months, so my only real contribution was a video montage of names, faces, and stories about those whom we lost this past year.
As I compiled the list of names of my transgender brothers and sisters who were murdered from January to November, I got more and more depressed. More of us were killed this year than any other year in which transgender murders were tracked -- 29. Transgender men, transgender women, black, and white. And those are just the ones we know about. So many of us are posthumously misgendered and misnamed that the story never bubbles up to the wider community. Worldwide there were so many names that the reading seemed to go on for an inordinately long time. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
That was depressing enough, but then came the event. Mind you, it was a very lovely celebration of life and remembrance of those whom we lost. But the audience was missing something - lesbians. We had transgender and genderqueer/gender-fluid representation--and in some cases their parents. We had straight people, and we had gay men. But I didn't see one lesbian from the community there (and we have a sizable lesbian community here). We had a good turnout, but no lesbians from that group.
I couldn't help but wonder, is it always going to be this way? They fight for us (at Pride, in marches, in righteously angry rants on Facebook), but they don't want us. Are they afraid of us? What is the problem exactly?
To be fair, the venue got double-booked. The large lesbian Meetup group in our community had been planning to have their Thanksgiving potluck on the same day and time but were bumped. I think it's likely that the group either relocated the potluck on the same night or just didn't know about us (despite the fact that our event was listed on our local LGBTQ center's various social sites and was in the newsletter). At least that's the story I'd like to believe.
And then I thought back to our local Pride festival this past summer. I had asked the group's leader, on behalf of our trans community group, if we transgender folks are welcome at their gatherings. I've known this woman since before I came out as trans.
She looked at me for a long moment and said, "If someone is a woman and is a lesbian, she can join. Otherwise, there are other groups out there."
Ouch. Segregate much?
So did they know about the celebration and reject it as being "not their issue" or did they completely miss the memo? I'll never know the answer to that one, but here's another example of this kind of segregation.
I'm taking a cruise in February on Olivia (it's a lesbian travel company). When I married the crazy woman, we went on an Olivia cruise. It was great. They really do a nice job. So when I decided to book another trip, I naturally thought of Olivia again. This time I'll be a "solo", meaning I'll travel alone and will share a room with another solo. They have special activities for us and try to get us to mingle. I remember seeing the solos having a blast together when I was on my honeymoon and felt a little jealous, so I'm looking forward to this.
(Have you wondered yet why a trans-guy is going on an Olivia cruise? Ask your questions now!)
Olivia has a closed Facebook page for each vacation where we can chat and get to know one another before the trip, now less than 60 days away. It was in that chat group that the lesbian and transgender issue reared its ugly head again.
A transgender woman had booked herself on the cruise, but then she found out that Lisa Vogel is going to be aboard as one of the speakers. She was upset, so she created a post in the private Facebook group, wondering if she should cancel. She voiced her concern about Olivia hosting such an anti-trans speaker.
To catch you up, if you don't know, Lisa Vogel was the head of the now-defunct Michigan Women's Music Festival (Michfest), which had a 40 year run. It was a Very Big Deal (TM) with the lesbian community. In 1994, by Vogel's own admission, a transgender woman was turned away, but she says that was the last time it happened. Now, Vogel may not have turned any other transgender women away, but I'm sure there was a lot of pressure from the festival-goers for trans women to stay away. Just read the comments in the linked article to see what I mean.
My feeling is, Olivia welcomes everyone, but if you're uncomfortable, then don't go. Because really there is nothing worse than shelling out $2000-3000 for a vacation and being miserable on it. Honestly, I'm a little wary of it this time around, too, so I plan to blend in as much as possible. (I've started taking DHEA, which metabolizes in the body as testosterone, but otherwise I'm not on any hormones.) I'm even going to shave my legs before the cruise, because I don't want to be conspicuous -- and I haven't shaved the dark hair off my legs in over a year.
I responded to her post and encouraged her to come if she thought she could deal with the odd folks who might be rude. I told her that I'm trans but that Olivia doesn't discriminate against us. Not everyone was so nice. There was a thick slice of people who weighed in on the "what is a real woman" topic, and there were those who defended Lisa Vogel and said they booked because she is going to be a speaker on the trip.
Alas, this seemingly nice woman canceled her trip. I guess the folks who responded and made her feel like an "other" created just enough proof of what she feared that she decided it wasn't worth the anxiety.
Some other transgender women are going to be on the cruise, and I'll be there. I'm hoping we all have a good time.
But what about Vogel? She co-founded a movement. And that movement, about "womyn-born womyn" and such, doesn't want transgender women polluting their pool. I can agree with Vogel on one thing - a transgender woman does not have the same experience as does a cis woman, and vice versa. But I could say that for everyone. None of us has the same experience as the rest of us. I freely admit that I will never know what it feels like to be born in a male body and to grow up with the kind of pressures (and JOY) that a boy feels as he goes through life with such privileges. But neither can a cis-male know what it's like to be a transgender male, taking nothing for granted and making a thousand decisions on how to suddenly start living in his truth.
Vogel will be speaking on the cruise. That's a fact. I will be on the cruise (knock wood). I might sit in on the talk, just to hear what she has to say when she thinks she's speaking to only "womyn-born womyn." I like to hear the other side, because I really do want to understand this. It is only through understanding and communication that we can change things.
I honestly think that the lesbian community is the last hold-out. We have been on a roll for the last eight years or so, making such great forward progress as the collective "LGBTQ community" when in fact, in some ways we hold our own prejudices and discriminate among ourselves. How can we ever expect to make further progress with the country at large if we have all this in-fighting? And let me tell you, the acronym may look inclusive, but our "community" isn't always so. Ask any bisexual person how many times they've been challenged about whether they are just experimenting and plan to run back into the arms of the opposite sex when things get tough. Ask any transgender person how awkward it can feel to be among people who are supposed to be the strongest allies but really just want us to go be with our own kind.
I get it. I get what Lisa Vogel seems to be about. The anger at our patriarchal society. The need to feel powerful somewhere. I get all that, but what does it say about us if we can't reach our arms wide and embrace each other, knowing that we all struggle so mightily against a wall of false morality, conservatism, Republican tactics, and religious dogma? I scratch my head and look to my lesbian neighbors...
Et tu, Brute?
~ Jude
NOTE:
Please enjoy the video I put together for our event, and consider attending a Transgender Day of Remembrance in your community next November. We need your support. You never know if the next life lost will be that of a friend, a family member, or a blogger.
[DISCLAIMER: I in no way mean for this to be a judgment on all lesbians! I'm just mulling over what the problem could be. I welcome your feedback and comments.]
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